Today 10/15

It's been ages.
I couldn't even imagine today a year ago.
I can't imagine 5 years from now.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to look back on my life and feel as though I wasted it.
Like pouring vodka stale punch down the drain at the end of a long night.

I want to drive away.
I want to drive as far as I fucking can. Away.

Recently, I've had flashbacks of memories that weren't completely painful.

This morning I thought of my mom's sleeping porch. Dark brown batten wood cladding with a high wooden post balustrade and screened in windows. A futon bed, wooden frame, aged quilts, damp feather pillows, and mom. A dust and pollen covered lamp and bedside table. Warm mom. As a small child I would step out onto the cold porch barefooted early morning. Breath hung in the air in white steamy clouds as I would tip toe and crawl into bed. I would place my ice cold feet between her thighs and press my stick frame body against hers.

The absolute safest place in the world. The ages quilts pulled up high around me, blocking out the crisp frost. Dark shadows on the green lawn and the trees still dark in slumber. The sun would slowly rise through the tree line peering gently over at us. I miss that.

Looking back on that memory I think of how dad was inside and how much mom loved to be outside.

That porch was great on rainy days when mom was making pie. Little bear pie. Mixed berries and tapioca beads, white sugar and cinnamon. Mom would use a pre made crust. The leftover crust would be cut into thin rectangle slices and covered with cinnamon and sugar. We would eat the sugar crusts on her porch bed, we would listen to the thunder and peer over to our left at the lightening piercing the dark indigo sky.

Mom loved that porch, loved the sound of the tree frogs and the bugs making summer noise. Fireflies like christmas lights in the yard. Moms bed on that porch.